I feel unimpressed, bored, dull myself. I do not remember the last time I met someone new who had an important or striking impression on me. I want to be charmed. I want to be impressed. It’s making me feel less than excited about life.

15:42   9-13-14

Sometimes I still

Find myself stuck on that idea of the loss of innocence, wishing I could forget what I know about the world and go back to a time of blissful ignorance. Sometimes I still feel like a child and I wonder if I’m supposed to feel older. Yet I do, I feel older and more jaded and more cynical than I ever have, because life has done this to me. I feel that I know less about love than I did when I was sixteen. There are so many letdowns as you age. When you’re little you think it’s so easy to chase a dream, and then life makes it damn near impossible.

13:08   5-9-12

Two things in life are the scariest to imagine…

And if you don’t fall into one category, you probably do the other.

One is being alone and having no one depend on you in such a way that he might cease to exist without you.

The other is being with someone and feeling so strongly vulnerable that you’re scared to death of being without him.

I guess there is a third option - being with someone for convenience, someone who you really couldn’t care less about. But I’d rather have one of the first two; I’d rather feel something than nothing at all.

13:56   4-26-12

Youth and age

Somehow I feel like I’ve gone backwards, like I’ve lived many different lives, like the person who did one thing I’ve done could not be the person I am today. I guess this goes with growing up, but shouldn’t it feel more consistent, more progressive?

Nothing goes as planned. I’m sick of making plans. I hate the fact that I saw myself in a certain place at a certain age, and that now I have almost reached that age and find myself feeling younger and more inexperienced than ever. I will not speculate anymore. From now on I will take life as it comes, because the best I’ve done is set myself up for disappointment.

22:36   4-1-12

Strangers

Saw you today from across the room -
Exchanged a wave, a glance
The closest we’ve been in months…
And nothing is between us now -
You are, truly, someone I no longer know
The same someone who knew parts of me that no one else has.
The sadness I feel
Is not that of heartbreak…
Nor is it that of confusion or anger,
But it is that of a certain kind of heartache -
One that comes with growing up, learning about yourself, and letting go. And knowing that it will always come down to everything or nothing.

20:33   4-1-12   1 note

How can it be that I’m older than I’ve ever been and at the same time am more aware of my inescapable youth than ever before?

22:11   1-19-12   1 note

This Christmas…

I’m trying my best to get into the holiday spirit and stay there.  Christmas is just depressing when you’re not in the mood.  Although sometimes it can just be depressing anyway.

I can’t help but think of the families that would rather skip Christmas this year, because like the family down the street from me, it’s their first Christmas without their only son.  Or like so many army wives, they have to decorate and bake for the kids without their husbands around.  And I feel for them because even though they might want to avoid it, they have to celebrate.  Because not doing so and knowing that Christmas is going on around you is probably more depressing than going through the motions.

I’m trying not to compare this year to last year, because it is odd and sad in some ways to think of how things have changed… going from being a student to being a working person, from relationship to single, from independent living to home living.

I’m trying to look towards the future and not the past.  Because every year I fight off a feeling of loneliness that somehow seems to come with the holidays (and I know I’m not the only one, not even close), and it might be a little tougher this year than last. 

I’m praying like I have been for three years now that maybe next year my family won’t be divided in the way that it’s been for too long.

I’m grateful, above all, to have good people in my life, and to be who I am.  And I’m trying to keep up hope and faith, the most important factors at this time, because if we don’t have those, life is empty.

15:15   12-23-11

Finding motivation…

well actually, maintaining motivation, can be really tough.  Motivation springs itself upon me in a rush, and I feel excited about it for a few moments, maybe a few hours, and then the inspiration fades, and it all just seems difficult.  And then I’m not sure if any of it’s worth it after all.  I’m not even sure if dreams are possible.

I know, I know… anything is possible if you set your mind to it.  I believe that, I do, but I mean, is it really possible for every person in this world to achieve his dreams?  Let’s be honest, for some, certain things will never be possible.  Sometimes it comes down to the hand you are dealt.

I know I’m being extremely vague.  And really, I feel like I’m whining.  I should try, and I know that for sure.  But I can just never seem to make up my mind for sure what it is exactly that I want.  And sometimes I’m afraid that once I get what I think I want, I just won’t care for it anymore.

20:48   10-12-11   1 note

It is so hard to be satisfied.

Indeed, as Billy Joel would say, “only fools are satisfied.”  I get that, it makes sense, and it does apply in some cases.  Keep trying, don’t give up, don’t settle, etc.  But isn’t satisfaction really all we’re searching for in life?  Wouldn’t it be a relief to finally feel just that - satisfied?  Satisfied would mean an end to speculation, anxiety, and longing.  It seems like a form of peace.

I guess it never lasts, though.  Someone finds a boyfriend or girlfriend, for example, and says, I am finally satisfied.  I have all that I want.  But we all know those feelings don’t last.  Sooner or later that person is wanting again, longing again, comparing his or her relationship to others, and wishing things were different.  Feelings change, and that’s a scary truth.

Perhaps there’s the reason why only fools are satisfied.  It’s because once you decide you are satisfied, you’ll be that much more disappointed to find out that it was all a facade.

In my own life, I can’t seem to find satisfaction in myself.  I rarely feel satisfied with the way I look, and I definitely do not feel satisfied with my life as it is at the moment. But maybe all we really need is a small plateau of satisfaction every once in a while.  If from time to time we felt satisfied, knowing that soon it would be a journey to the next plateau.  I think that might be the best way to view this ever-changing idea of satisfaction.

18:56   9-20-11

Do you ever…

ask people in person about what they write on tumblr?

wonder why some people become celebrities that are treated like gods and some people become homeless people that aren’t even treated like humans?

smile at strangers?

thank God?

imagine your own funeral?

talk to yourself in the mirror?

feel like someone on TV or the radio is talking to you and only you?

cry not because of anything that happened to you, but just because the world is sad?

19:24   8-19-11